I Asked For A Hysterectomy For My 40th Birthday

I asked for a hysterectomy for my 40^th birthday. What I got instead was bronchitis, a double ear infection, and a mammogram.

I had put it off for long enough. I finally made the overdue appointment with my gynecologist. I was told that a mammogram was in order because I am, of course, 40.

I took the detailed information the receptionist, so kindly, gave to me even though it wasn't what I asked for. As I sat in the waiting room, I read the pamphlet but couldn't fathom why, after everything else I've gone through with them, would they subject me to more nastiness.

"Is there no limit?" I asked while patting my chest in reassurance.

I was sure the words printed were encrypted. A secret code my mind readily translated from "It will be fine, it's really not that bad" to "Good, LORD, you want what?"

The Procedure:

• Do not apply deodorant/antiperspirant on the day of the procedure.
  

But, it was here in the decoding process where I began to sweat.

• Remove your clothing and wear the gown with the opening in the front.
  
• Stand, exposed, in front of the mammogram machine and attempt to listen carefully to what you will have to go through.
  
• Do not allow your reflexes to scream out
  
• Allow your once-deemed-sacred endowments to be hoisted off of your belly.
  
• Allow the technician to squeeze these offerings into a vise.
  
• DO NOT move, and please don't sweat on the machine, you might slip.
  
• Repeat step #4. *
  
• Explain, without emotion, that you believe it is not possible to be flattened anymore.
  
• Verbal obscenities will not be tolerated. We recommend 'lip biting' or 'eye scrunching' to avoid doing so.
  
• When the procedure is complete, you may dress quickly but more importantly, accurately.
  
• Checks are made payable to: The Devil.
  

Ah ha, I knew it! I knew he had his hand in all of this.

• Promptly leave the doctor's office, before anything else may want to be scrutinized; delighted that you kept your appointment.
  
• Have a nice day.
  

• Please Note: Step #4 can be repeated as often as necessary
  

"Mrs. Rankowitz, we're ready for you." I heard and thought, but I am not ready.

"Now I'm just going to prick your finger to check your iron", the nurse informed me while tried to hover, but not bear down on the scale to measure my weight. 10 pounds, I really thought I only put on 5 over the winter.

"Your iron is a little low, is that normal for you?" "Well, no", I foolishly replied as two other nurses began to giggle because now I'd have to be pricked again.

"You should have said yes", they chuckled and I could have sworn I saw vampire teeth in their smiles.

When I was in labor, I didn't care who saw what. I was in pain and wanted to dismember my husband for having done this to me. But this was different. As I stood in front of the mammogram machine, clutching the gown to my half naked body, the technician came around the machine and explained what she was going to do. I began to sweat some more. She then asked me to remove the gown from my right arm. Well, there I stood, every reflex in me screamed to cover up and run away. Then she lifted my ever-slight endowment off my belly and proceeded to squeeze it into a vice. Keep in mind; I was informed not to wear deodorant before the procedure.

"But you don't understand," I begged, "I was bestowed with the runts of the litter, there is no way you're going to be able to flatten them any more". Well, much to my surprise, the deed was done and then done again to the other side.

I told my doctor all I wanted a hysterectomy. He told me I would have to be checked for anything that might be causing problems before the procedure could be done, insurance might not pay otherwise. I knew it was time to leave.

As I tried to sneak out of the office the doctor handed me a list of iron rich foods and an order for a complete blood count test to be done at the hospital. Not wanting anything else to break while I was there, I ran.

I think I'll ask for menopause for my 50^th birthday.