Karen's Heat Advisories
The National Weather Service has issued several advisories and warnings throughout the state regarding the heat. I have too.
1. Consuming high quantities of alcohol may result in: Sweaty, drunk golfers who will want to smoke cigars.
2. Avoid phoning golfer (who may be your husband) with incidental things like tripping electrical circuit breakers or that all 27 air conditioners “just wont stay on”.
3. This may result in missed putts, a beer, and smoking a cigar.
4. Avoid calling golfer (again) to say that “They’re still not ‘on’ and you’ve tried EVERYTHING”.
5. This may result in other, divorced, golfers to laugh – a lot.
6. Being laughed at, a lot, may result in club throwing, beer throwing (throwing a tantrum?), and smoking a cigar.
Did he just hang up in me?
7. Wearing silly plastic vests with reflective strips may result in naked road construction workers.
8. Naked road construction workers may lead to 70-year-old women, named Arlene, tossing personal articles out of car windows (like dentures or reading glasses with chains), and smoking a cigar.
9. Arlene will now be mad that I even mentioned her reading glasses and her bizarre behavior with them.
10. Baking cookies in a car, as seen on the news, is recommended as it reduces energy consumption.
11. Consumption of ‘said’ cookies is questionable and may lead to more tossing of personal things like your stomach.
12. Avoid watering the lawn, unless you are an 11year old boy who has forgotten where the bathroom is.
13. Avoid strenuous activities unless you combine such strenuous activities. Here are some examples:
- Dust furniture with hand-held fans
- Sweep floors with hand-held fans
- Vacuum with hand-held fans (kidding! Running your vacuum will result in tripping circuit breakers)
- Hand, hand-held fans to your children so they can dust and sweep
- Kick back AND smoke a cigar
1. Consuming high quantities of alcohol may result in: Sweaty, drunk golfers who will want to smoke cigars.
2. Avoid phoning golfer (who may be your husband) with incidental things like tripping electrical circuit breakers or that all 27 air conditioners “just wont stay on”.
3. This may result in missed putts, a beer, and smoking a cigar.
4. Avoid calling golfer (again) to say that “They’re still not ‘on’ and you’ve tried EVERYTHING”.
5. This may result in other, divorced, golfers to laugh – a lot.
6. Being laughed at, a lot, may result in club throwing, beer throwing (throwing a tantrum?), and smoking a cigar.
Did he just hang up in me?
7. Wearing silly plastic vests with reflective strips may result in naked road construction workers.
8. Naked road construction workers may lead to 70-year-old women, named Arlene, tossing personal articles out of car windows (like dentures or reading glasses with chains), and smoking a cigar.
9. Arlene will now be mad that I even mentioned her reading glasses and her bizarre behavior with them.
10. Baking cookies in a car, as seen on the news, is recommended as it reduces energy consumption.
11. Consumption of ‘said’ cookies is questionable and may lead to more tossing of personal things like your stomach.
12. Avoid watering the lawn, unless you are an 11year old boy who has forgotten where the bathroom is.
13. Avoid strenuous activities unless you combine such strenuous activities. Here are some examples:
- Dust furniture with hand-held fans
- Sweep floors with hand-held fans
- Vacuum with hand-held fans (kidding! Running your vacuum will result in tripping circuit breakers)
- Hand, hand-held fans to your children so they can dust and sweep
- Kick back AND smoke a cigar
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